Originally written for ENG201: Introduction to Creative Writing on May 19th, 2022.
Assignment Guidelines:
It should be PURELY FICTIONAL, and written in the style of a spoken monologue. The first line of your monologue should be: “It wasn’t my fault.”
It wasn’t my fault. I know you won’t believe me, but I’m begging you, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I never wanted to hurt him.
Jay and I weren’t really friends, but our rooms were in the same hall and I thought we got along. I knew he had a bit of a temper, I mean— everyone knew, right? There’s only so many people in this little tin can and he liked to start a fight over the dumbest stuff, just because, and- what?
No, I’m sorry, we weren’t— no— we weren’t fighting. We weren’t fighting at all. I think… I think that’s why he didn’t call for help. He was… I’m sorry, it just doesn’t feel real. Jay was… I mean, he was getting kind of squirrely over the past few days, right? Um. Erratic, maybe. And today, I was supposed to go outside and fix the satellite wing before it broke loose, and I was getting all of my gear together, and— no, I didn’t get to it, everything happened too fast.
I was getting everything together, and Jay knew I was going outside, he said he wanted to talk to me in private. And he just… I don’t know, he didn’t sound like himself. He was freaking me out a little, um, he was all friendly and asking me how my shift was and out of nowhere, he started getting nasty, saying these awful things about Rook. I don’t really— I mean, I’m not comfortable repeating it, but he was mad. He kept insisting that Rook was gonna snap and go after somebody and I asked him what the hell he was talking about, and he… he got all quiet and serious. I think that’s when I realized that it wasn’t a joke.
You know that Rook is the guy who cried when somebody put the spider in the airlock. He was so upset— it wasn’t the spider’s fault for being here, it probably didn’t even know we were in space. He held a little funeral and everything. He would never hurt anybody. I thought— Jay told me that he saw the psych evals. I thought the computers were locked down with biofeedback—aren’t they? No, I don’t have any idea how he got in. I guess it’s not a problem anymore, right? Heh—
God, I think I’m going to throw up.
Yeah. I’m okay.
I’m okay. What was I… right. Okay. He said he saw the psych evals. That Rook shouldn’t be here. That he’s got, uh, delusions, or hallucinations, or something— I don’t— I don’t really remember what words he used. But he said that we were fish in a barrel. He seemed so convinced that Rook would hurt someone.
I have no idea if it’s true— it’s never come up. That’s not really something people talk about, y’know, even if it was. I mean, Rook barely talks to anybody, but he kind of trusts me, so I could… Yeah. I’ll try to talk to him, if the captain doesn’t have me arrested. But I don’t think Rook will want to talk to anyone after this.
I… I don’t know why Jay was so mad. I hadn’t seen either of them all day so I thought maybe they got in a fight or something while I’ve been working on wires, but… I dunno. It was more than that. He was saying really cruel things, that Rook was dangerous and… he said he’d rather just throw him out the airlock than wait for something to happen. He wanted to kill him. He wanted me to help him. For the greater good or something, I don’t… I don’t remember. He tried to justify it, I think? Everything gets blurry.
I just kind of stopped thinking. I was getting my gear together anyways, and Jay was turning around because he was pacing the whole time and I… I just panicked. I hit him. With the wrench, yeah. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I remember thinking oh my god, he’s going to kill someone, and I’m the only one who knows. I just wanted to stun him, you know, so I could radio that there was an emergency. So we could deal with this as a group. I was kitted up and ready to go out. A few times something’s pinged off my helmet and it’s… it’s so loud. I just wanted to stun him. I must have… I wasn’t thinking. I swear to you, I didn’t mean it.
It was such a bad noise. He didn’t have a helmet on. Why would he have a helmet on? I was the one going outside. It happened so fast. I didn’t even feel like I was the one who did it, I felt like… like I was watching from thirty feet away. Just staring at the wrench. But Jay, he… he hit the ground and he wasn’t moving, and everything felt fake. I couldn’t get my helmet off, ‘cause of the gloves, but I could tell he wasn’t breathing, I— I didn’t know what to do. I tried to start CPR.
I don’t remember if I hit the panic button or not, I was— I didn’t…? Are you sure? Okay. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t mean to kill him.